A Perfect Storm

*Trigger Warning: Child Abuse*

Picture this… you’re between the ages of 3 and 6 years old. You have imaginary friends and you’re a vivid daydreamer. You don’t take risks and engage in potentially dangerous activities like the other kids because you’re overly cautious. You’re artistically inclined, creative, and highly sensitive. You’re also enduring repeated, life threatening (real or perceived) sexual abuse. You are now going to develop Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I had just the right circumstances and personality traits as a child to make me the ideal candidate for responding to trauma in the way that I did. A (not so) perfect storm if you will. Peak time for imaginative brain growth happens around the ages of 2.5 and 3. I was 3 years old when the abuse started which means I was at a very pivotal moment in my life while I was also fighting for it. Jennifer and Michael were my imaginary friends. Imaginary companions and other forms of daydreaming in childhood are common and a sign of a creative problem solving, healthy relationship development, and positive coping mechanisms. But did you know that imaginary friends and vivid daydreams are also forms of dissociation? Some of us are better at dissociating than others and it’s a skill learned very early on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing so. However, dissociating easily paired with trauma makes you prone to D.I.D. A blessing and a curse…

I was a very cautious child. I didn’t participate in any activity that could result in me getting injured. I didn’t climb trees or roller skate. Never dove for a ball or went head first down a slide. I remember watching other children engage in what I thought was such reckless behavior. I was terrified of getting hurt or experiencing pain. So while the horrific abuse I was suffering was indeed life threatening, you can only imagine how imminent death must have felt given my pre-existing fear of anything less than completely safe.

I’ve always been interested in art and music. I’m convinced my entire brain is just two right sides. Since middle school, my favorite thing to draw has been repetitive, seamless patterns and mandalas. The designs flow out of me like an exhale. My old therapist was very intrigued by my fascination with repetitive patterns and had a feeling that was somehow linked to the D.I.D. After consulting other mental health professionals and a neurologist, she discovered she was right. She explained to me that the same part of the brain responsible for splitting personalities into distinct alters is also the exact same part that’s activated while creating and viewing repetitive patterns. Both are things that multiply… fascinating, isn’t it?

The only lingering symptom of D.I.D. that I still have is the ability to hear multiple songs in my head at the same time. Not jumping from one song to another but up to 7-8 different songs playing simultaneously on top of each other. I first noticed it roughly around the time I was diagnosed. It’s usually a constant background noise that can be heard separately and together. I’ve tried playing just 3 songs at once on 3 different devices and speakers and it was incredibly overstimulating and jumbled. Yet somehow in my head, it all seems to make sense. I still don’t fully understand this marvelous phenomenon.

If I have learned anything from my experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder, it is that the brain is incredible. Incredibly protective, incredibly clever, incredibly unpredictable, and incredibly resilient.

*Not medical advice. Remember that I’m sharing my unique experience. Everyone’s mental health looks different.